Today in America, our divisions feel sharper than ever. Encountering people with different personal, philosophical, or political beliefs can be daunting, and many of us instinctively pull back to “keep the peace.” But as we face unprecedented challenges to our social fabric, is stepping back the right approach? Can we afford to avoid each other?
Last year, the U.S. Surgeon General declared a national epidemic of loneliness and isolation, warning that disconnection harms more than just our mood—it impacts our health and well-being. Chronic loneliness is linked to higher risks of heart disease, dementia, stroke, depression, and even premature death. In fact, the mortality risk associated with social isolation is comparable to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. This isn’t just a personal issue; it’s a societal crisis that affects our neighborhoods, schools, workplaces, and communities.
"We need to create more connected lives and a more connected society. If we fail to do so, we will pay an ever-increasing price in the form of our individual and collective health and well-being. And we will continue to splinter and divide until we can no longer stand as a community or a country. Instead of coming together to take on the great challenges before us, we will further retreat to our corners—angry, sick, and alone." - U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy
As tensions flare on social media, family debates grow heated, and workplace conflicts simmer, many of us feel caught in a wave of discord. Yet there’s something meaningful and empowering we can each bring to this moment: civility.
Civility is often misunderstood. It’s not about avoiding conflict or masking disagreements under a polite veneer; it’s something much more. Civility is a moral virtue—a way of being with each other. It’s a mindset that represents a powerful choice to create space for connection, even amid profound differences. Civility is a commitment to see beyond labels as we compassionately and respectfully explore problems together. It’s about opening up to new perspectives and expanding our thinking as we challenge each other to find the best way forward.
When we embrace civility, we unlock the potential to explore new possibilities that will create a stronger, more connected society.
The ABCs of Civility
To foster civility, consider the ABCs: the principles of Alignment, Balance, and Curiosity.
Alignment: Instead of fixating on differences or rehashing points, look for shared values. Uncover what matters most - whether it's a love for family, a desire for freedom, or a commitment to community. Understanding and validating someone's deeply held values can open a door to connection and cooperation, even if you don’t agree on the specific issue.
"Can you help me understand why this matters so much to you?"
Balance: Striking a balance between advocacy (speaking up) and inquiry (listening) is essential. Aim for “fair airtime” so that no single voice dominates, and have both sides reflect back what they learn. This balance creates a shared space where ideas can flourish.
"Can we agree to take turns speaking and reflect back what we hear, before moving on?"
Curiosity: Ask both sides to be curious and stay open to possibilities. Work to expand your knowledge base and show intellectual humility as you adjust your thinking based on new information. Uncover and clarify the reasoning behind both positions so you can assess which ideas hold up when critically examined. Rely on real life experiences, research, and verifiable information to explore the underlying logic.
"How could this issue impact people we care about?"
"Tell me more about what led you to that conclusion."
"Would you share the source of your data with me?"
"Could I share some research with you too?"
The Goal of Civil Conversations
Applying these principles doesn’t mean we'll always reach a resolution. Civility takes practice. We often expect too much from a single discussion, forgetting that complex differences are rarely resolved in one conversation.
So what is the goal? In many cases, a civil conversation aims to identify a shared action that can be supported by both sides. This shared action could be something small but meaningful, like improving communication, researching something further, trying a compromise, or committing to revisit the topic later. That is all progress. Even if a total agreement seems impossible, we are building a bridge to collaboration...collaboration that wouldn’t have happened if we had approached the conversation with aggression and disrespect - or if we had avoided it completely.
Ultimately, the goal of civility is to shift toward "togetherness". The desire for connection is something nearly all of us share. Studies show that 86% of Americans feel exhausted by social division and 79% would be willing to play a part in reducing it. This shared willingness to bridge gaps can be our starting point.
Imagine the impact if each of us approached conversations with civility at the forefront. Whether at work, in our neighborhoods, or around the dinner table, we can each become catalysts for a more united, respectful society.
Dr. Vivek Murthy reminds us, “Our individual relationships are an untapped resource—a source of healing hiding in plain sight.”
As we practice alignment, balance, and curiosity, we create pockets of trust that can ripple outward, encouraging others to embrace civility as well.
In a world that often feels divided, the power to reconnect lies within each of us. Let’s use it.